Dear Faizal:
I am the mother of a sensitive three-year-old boy who will
be starting pre-school soon. He is very attached to me, and has never been away
from me for more than 2 hours at a time - while I go grocery shopping – but
then he’s with my husband. I am afraid that he will not be able to handle being
away from me for almost half a day. What can I do to help my baby through this
time?
From Attached Mother
Dear Attached:
Congratulations to your son for becoming a pre-schooler!
What an exciting time for your family!
With each change in life comes a certain amount of
uncertainty and anxiety. This is natural. What I sense from your letter is that
it is you who is a bit “sensitive” about separating from your son.
“Separation anxiety” is the term typically used to describe
a situation when a child is dependent on, and cannot let go of, a parent to
become a more independent person. This term, however, can sometimes be applied
to a parent who for various reasons cannot let go of the child. You referring
to your three-year-old son as a “baby” shows that you may wish to do a bit of
introspection into yourself to determine why this time is challenging for you.
Understand your insecurities and take steps to overcome them.
Children sense their parents’ anxiety and most times model
their behavior. Instead of looking at this time with dread and as potentially
dangerous, why not look at it as an exciting time, an adventure, an opportunity
for growth, for both your son and for yourself.
Like any successful adventure, adapting to pre-school also
requires a bit of pre-planning. First of all, you could gradually break this
separation anxiety by taking and leaving your son with a baby-sitter (someone
your child does not already know) a couple times per week. At first your son
may cry when he sees you leaving him, but after a few times seeing that you
always return to pick him up, he will become confident that the separation is
only temporary and that your return is imminent.
You could also do a little research and find other children
in the neighbourhood who will also be attending the same school. Call up their
mothers and set up play dates through which the children could meet and become
friends before school begins. At the first day of class, when your son sees
familiar faces, he will be better able to adjust to his environment.
Becoming familiar with the physical environment of the
school would also help your son adjust better when school begins. Take your son
(ideally with other pre-school children and their mothers) to the school. Show
him where his class will be, where you will drop him and pick him up; play with
him in the playground in which he will play. Allow him to personalize the
school, to feel that it is his school.
Since some children are not used to waking up early in the
morning, perhaps you could for one week before pre-school begins send your son
to bed and raise him at the times he would typically sleep and wake when he
begins school. Give him breakfast at a scheduled time and take him to school
for a play date. In this way you will be helping your son develop a routine,
and a routine would create safety in his life.
Above all, you should feel safe and take comfort in knowing
that your son, and children in general, is resilient and will adapt very well
to situations, whether it be presently adjusting to pre-school or adjusting to
leaving home to attend university in the future.
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